he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
