I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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