u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
i now understand why vodka
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Randomize
