just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I want a musical about memes.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Randomize
