Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
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