Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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