forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
