Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
