using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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