So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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