I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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