he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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