omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Randomize
