Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
