ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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