I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
I need mimosas to revive my soul
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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