Small penises have feelings too.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
Randomize
