You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
