I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
My vagina just recognized that song.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
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