I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
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