The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Randomize
