some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
