It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
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