not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
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