i wouldnt be suprised if in indian your name meant "walking lie"
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
