was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Randomize
