So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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