So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
