He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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