:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
