I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
