Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
someone owes me an orgasm
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
