On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
