Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
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