fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Randomize
