Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
