omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
