I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Randomize
