I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
