he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
