I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Randomize
