we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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