literally had 100 drinks last night.
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Randomize
