Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
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