how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
