whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Randomize
