They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
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