the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
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