I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
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