I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Randomize
