Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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