He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
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