ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
