I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
