Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
